This is how I torture myself

Is a reformed criminal

still the same person?

If I had all the knowledge

I do now back then

would i still have done

the same exact things?

everybody should eat

more carrots

but had i known

my eyesight would

give out on me

would that be

a good enough reason

to have sauteed them?

or in that dire situation

would i still believe

i deserved anything sweet

i could get my hands on?

A Lost Day Turns into a Lost Week

i don’t like that poetry reading room

nothing good happens in a basement

and for every familiar face i see

which is at least half of this community

there’s one i never reached out to

or met up for coffee and so many

of their hands are on me

that i start to pretend

im contagious and that

i have to go home early

 

and maybe i dont want

my blood to be radioactive

for my arms and legs

to jolt and twitch

or to ever leave

my apartment again

maybe im ok

with running out

of medication

or maybe i just

ran out of insurance

and cant make the calls

to get it back again

maybe i was sick anyways

of my psychiatrist

trying to get me perfect

maybe im just finished

doing everything that needed doing

and now, it’s finally time

for me to just lie here

and be still and close my eyes

to everything that did

and didnt happen

maybe that sounds

like a good enough time

Finally shopping at a real store (instead of the food pantry)

Soba noodles, the same as i had

during my stop-over in Tokyo

pasta sauce with four types of cheeses

already mixed in, and yeast to top it

avocados-no, even better-guacamole

bananas and cinnamon to accent

my cereal in the morning

a whole bottle of vanilla extract

to add to my soy milk

(which barely ever expires)

hot sauce, of course,

only the darkest chocolate

pumpkins for carving

bone broth and brown rice tea

for a hearty afternoon drink

apple cider vinegar just for my acne

and eggs, so my dog can join me

in eating one for breakfast daily

Your Mink Paw Coat

I wonder how long

your mink paw coat

will hold your

talcum powder

and glamour scent

from eight years ago

 

it is unflattering on me

much too big

to hug my frame

and provide the warmth

that made the coat

worth what you spent on it

 

but anyways, i removed

the cellophane

and took it out of my closet

in honor of veteran’s day

because you were so patriotic

my grandmother was a veteran

i like to tell people, but they

don’t believe it

 

and no one i know thinks

any cost would cover

the amount of

tiny mink’s lives lost

(how many? a hundred?)

 

so i tell them

it’s not genuine

all the while i stroke

so lovingly

the fine hairs covering

my breast, my hips

discovering the touch of a skin

much softer than the one

i was born with

the scent of you as a woman

who fought rabidly

to enclose me with

your fiery sense

of passion for conquering

not only my wilderness

but also, the minks’