I don’t care if it hurts, i wanna have control (Therapy homework: essay on the subject of control)

I feel like I’m in control when my spaces are clean, when I exercise, when im working towards accomplishments. when people accept me. when i know my job and where ill live and i can afford everything. when im healthy. when im not drinking or smoking. when i can sleep without the use of sedatives. when im not scared to sleep. when i know i can leave at any moment and no one will try to stop me.
i feel like im out of control when people try to stop me from leaving. i panic and i can become violent if someone blocks my exit. i feel out of control when i feel stuck in a situation.
i feel like im out of control when i make mistakes. i feel very out of control when i get overwhelmed and i get overwhelmed very easily. i feel out of control almost every night when its time to go to bed. When I can’t sleep. When people raise their voices. When I watch TV, so i dont. because i dont know what will happen.. When i feel infatuation. when im in a bar or a party where there aren’t alot of women. at night, when im alone and walking. when im afraid of sleeping. When i dont know where ill live. when im hungry when im thirsty when im dizzy. when i realize i dont really understand finances or my car’s engine. when my skin gets bad from stress and i dont want anyone to look at me. when people do hard drugs and talk about it. when theres illegal things near me. when strangers touch me, when people get too close to me, when drunk people approach me, when i am crowded. mildly when i get a haircut, heavily when i go to the doctors.
the doctor needs to sedate me for a full examination.
i think the landlord wont give me a reference, but he will. why wouldnt he? i think the boy i like is lying. i think any boy i like is probably terrifying.
i think im being trapped. then i think i cant really say for sure whats happening. then i lose my grip on reality. i dissociate i float away
i feel out of control when i cant trust myself to know what a real threat is and what it isnt. so i try to think of other things. i try to keep my mind off it.
i smoke. i drink.
i feel like im out of control while im writing this. it makes me want to smoke and drink. i feel like its a scary list. im afraid that im really demented. im afraid i cant take care of myself. im afraid ill lose my job. i feel like im out of control when my security is threatened. when people get pissed. when im not accepted. when i face consequences. when i have to pay bills and fix my insurance and i cant. when i cant do things. when im an idiot and a reject. when im humiliated. when i try and i just cant do anything.
when days slip away then weeks and i dont know how much time has passed since this or that thing happened. when i have to make a phone call or do an assignment and i spend hours and hours not doing anything, avoiding it. then days, then weeks, and i still dont have insurance. if its a real deadline ill get it done at the last minute. if theres no deadline its possible ill never do it. its torturous its like a brainfreeze. and i still dont have insurance and i have a surgery in august. during the day when im stressed i just fall asleep. i nap to escape.
i am highly aware of the phone calls i dont make. i have a list of very small things im not doing that haunts me every day.
when i make a mistake, it means im not being aware and it shakes me up so badly i hibernate. like when i forgot i had work that day. that day you met me. the day i decided to take medicine, finally. i did it because i was terrified i could make a mistake. i could be homeless and i dont want to be. but i dont know how to stop that from happening. if my boss gets annoyed its like the world is ending i could lose everything.

3 thoughts on “I don’t care if it hurts, i wanna have control (Therapy homework: essay on the subject of control)

  1. Think of all the amazing survival skills it took to get you here. You may not be having your strongest moment today but think what steel lives in your spine, what fire burns in your belly that you are still here. Sometimes survival is our greatest accomplishment. PTSD is a normal response to abnormal circumstances and it hijacks our bodies long after the danger has passed.

  2. Absolutely all that Christine said. Also remember to give yourself credit for all the small things you ARE doing- how incredibly fucking brave that you do your therapy homework to an audience! Much love to you!

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