¬†through the white veil of winter

By nature, she was very cold.

I kissed her rings 

Wept at her feet 

She expressed nothing

Three times, I asked her to marry me

She made me love the snow

All my life I thought those wintry seasons

Were a surrender in white

Freezing conditions

Communicable diseases

Hibernation-but then I noticed

When she looked out the window

Her smirk became a smile.

Its possible, that before her, I never loved another person

Its also possible that forgetting, for me, is more important

But I invited her places

Walks, ski lodges, ice skating, fortress building, I invented extra christmases

I saw my dog dance in it

Once, after the bridge and to the far left of the trail

After she had finished with holding my gloved hand, after we were not where we were supposed to be, and getting scared-

We saw a wooden sculpture of a man

I would meet the next year

He was so like her, the element of nature I needed 

Where before, I couldn’t stand to be touched

I’d rise to the occasion 

Let’s try this again¬†

I haven’t had a boyfriend for about five years.

I remember once, on a plane to Panama, maybe a year or two into our relationship, he was torturing me. Whispering demons into my ear. He was menacing. And I didn’t care that we were just beginning our vacation. I was fairly impulsive, so, I tried to break up with him. I figured I’d find my way home just as soon as we landed. I’d manage. I figured anything was better than this.

I looked for a different seat. He came and found me. Passed me a note that said, “I cut up your credit card and flushed it down the toilet. Good luck in a dangerous country like panama without me.”

The first man ive really been with, five years later, tells me he’d like to see the world.

I look at him and smile. “Yeah, I think you’d make a great traveling companion and I could use a revisit. I’d like for you to see it, too. It’d be fun for me to see what you do.”

He says, “You know, there are still some places you haven’t visited. Let’s go somewhere new.”

Questions I ask from my hospital bed

“Ok, now, remember you’re contagious. You don’t want to reinfect yourself again, your immune system isn’t at it’s best. If you have guests over you can disinfect everything and wear a mask. Throw out your toothbrush after 3 days. Be sure to wash your dishes thoroughly-”

“Nurse…i, uh, I have a puppy. Can he catch this from me?”

The nurse chuckles, “Oh no, honey. Here, take this. Your fever is breaking.”

Good morning, puppy. Why’d you have to make it weird, though?

You tightrope up and down my narrow frame

From my ankle to my collarbone

I don’t know how you balance.

Sometimes, you manage to curl up on my hips

Without hanging a single piece of fur over my edges

But come the morning, you don’t do that

No, you stand on my chest

And study my sleeping expression very closely, your eyes wide, tongue lolling

Until I wake up and it changes

Into fear and shock as I scream

“Oh, my GOD! Oh..hey, puppy…what the fuck?”

Its awkward. This morning came at 4am.

I tell my friends, “you should really get a puppy. It’s worth it.”

Oh, the things I manage to forget.

Versions of reality

What you think: Your dog has a jumping problem. You must not be a very good disciplinarian. 

What I think: Wow, my baby boy is really good at jumping, and he seems to like it. He’s so athletic, I’m so proud of him. I wonder if there’s some sort of puppy olympics I can get him involved with. I bet he’d like it. Note to self….look into….olympics-There! Hey puppy, want some kisses?