For how stupid I was, and lost

I drink because I can’t write poetry of places like you do

I can’t even read your poetry without flinching

even though I crouched in an alley in some city in spain

looking at the moon and drinking, inciting rage

and loss and hunger and the mourning that comes with

all these things and because i was so young,

Jack Kerouac on top of it

 

I drink because my recitations have escaped me

and oh, how i used to love poetry and being hidden

and not seeing anything-and the strange places and

the fragmentation and how insane I had gone

when I let him fuck me in a cornfield on the farm

and my finger was ringless and i stopped staring at it

and started looking up and the sky wasn’t

any different, not even  at all

 

I drink because everyone who’s here now

wouldn’t have been at my most lost

I drink because so many times, during sex,

i realized i didnt want to be doing it

while I still was

which left me impotent

when the real thing came along

 

I drink because of how far ive traveled

and because I am no longer young

all blankheaded and stupid and alone

i drink because im sick of being responsible

 

and because when he closed the shutters on the cafe

and locked it up, and played his songs

i have never danced with a man like that since

and we never even made love

 

 

14 thoughts on “For how stupid I was, and lost

  1. You capture ‘that moment’ in a way few can. ‘that moment’ goes by in an instant. To be able to go back there in your minds eye and pick out the heart-squeeze intensity and translate it, that’s something few writers achieve. You do.

    1. You are so kind to take time and tell me how I’m good when I am feeling bad. Thank you for your thoughtful comment

  2. Wow..this is so pure and divine..when the heart really bleeds on the paper and makes you nostalgic about that moment..when he closed the shutter and danced with you and you didn’t even make love.
    Loved it.

      1. I know, right!!! What a time to be alive-I always wanted to know how the beat generation felt, being so connected to one another-and here I am
        I never imagined this-what a dream!

      2. I backtracked-got home from work just in time to see nicholas announcing my re-release! GOOD TIMING!

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