How I Fucked Everything Up

I quit my day job because I just found out I’m pregnant
and I’ve decided to move to Venice
to be closer to my relatives
I quit my second job this afternoon
because I can’t stand the students
on my way out I stopped at the cafeteria
told the lunch lady I wanted to buy everything
mentioned I was in a rush and that I was hungry
and started piling everything I could on the counter

let me rewind and start at the beginning
over the weekend, I had rescued a pig
who was bought because he was thought to be a teacup
but was rapidly growing to the size of a hog
I took him home but he started tearing my house apart
and he didn’t get along with my dog
I didn’t know I was pregnant when I adopted him
or when İ lost it and wrangled him into the bathtub
then I called my pa and stepma and said please
you have to take this hog-didn’t you say
you wanted a pig once? He can’t stay here
he keeps screaming and he shit all over the rug

they didn’t seem to want the pig
but they were more or less willing to have a look at him
so I told them it was perfect-I just quit my jobs
and I have plenty of time to drive him up
before the weekend, I think…
wait a minute, what day is it?
that’s right, it’s April Fool’s, baby!
and yes, I really did pull all of these pranks

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4 thoughts on “How I Fucked Everything Up

  1. I particularly liked this bit about the pig:
    “…who was bought because he was thought to be a teacup
    but was rapidly growing to the size of a hog”. Ha!

    And I read this on the 2nd April and anyway, I never remember April Fool until it’s the next day. And I’m glad none of that’s true.x

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