Introducing No Drink November (and other shocking memos from my psychiatrist)

I only see the psychiatrist once a month

For fifteen minutes but she fills the time with so many contradictions

It feels like the constant sting of a ruler slapping my wrist

She asks, “How much do you drink?”

“Oh, not too much. It varies from not at all to twice a week. And then when i do, usually just keep drinking till I fall asleep.”

“Uh huh, so you have an alcohol problem.”

“Do i?”

“Yes, and we need you to get sober to start the new medication, because the combination could be deadly. Have you ever thought about joining a sober women’s group?”

“Ah, no, that’s ok. I’ll just stop drinking.”

“Mmm and from what you told me, about how long it takes for you to do lesson planning, it’s clear you’re still struggling with concentration.”

“Oh. Yeah, maybe. And I’m falling behind in my classes. But I think I’m doing a good enough job though, overall.”

“I can see that! You even said you didn’t feel like you needed to go to therapy anymore?”

“Yeah. It’s just boring. Most of my problems are solved at this point.”

“Mmm. It must be easy to think that when you’re working three or four jobs. Then you have no time to really experience your feelings. Ever think about taking a day off?”

“Ah, kind of. I just don’t think I’d enjoy it right now. There’s too much to do. And besides, I don’t mind keeping busy.”

“Ok, but honey, you need to make time for self care. If you’re not doing that it makes me wonder what kind of feelings you’re avoiding. That is exactly what you need to figure out with your therapist. You were seeing Allison before, correct?”


“Ok, well Allison didn’t quit, she was fired. I’m not surprised you wanted to quit therapy after seeing her. We’re setting you up with Jasmine. She’s going to help you see things a bit more clearly. After that, and a month of no drinking, you can come back and see me.”

Octopuses are supposed to be smart (I really need a day off)

If I were an octopus

I would assign a task, stupidly

to each arm – arm one is for writing

arms two and three for swimming

arm four for texting with my boyfriend

arm five for professional development

arm six for publicizing and arms seven and eight

for making money – oh and then,┬ácan we double task those

with finishing college and keeping my friends?


I would do all of this completely forgetting

that i still need an arm to pick my nose

and wipe my butt with

and then which arm should i choose

to double task with masturbation?


You were such an asshole

I felt like a fish

you had scooped out

of our aquarium

and pinned down lazily

with your pinkie finger

while you talked to other women

i was just trying to get to a place

where i could breathe again


and all of our fish

died soon enough anyways

from your loud music

and my screaming

i cried all night for them

while you stayed out


No more skittles for you

once in a while he will whimper

in his sleep and his little furry legs

will twitch then i wake him up and say

“Honey, youre just dreaming…its ok.”

so he saunters over and curls up next to me


but tonight, wow! he must have been dreaming

of a zombie apolocolypse – he jolted awake

with no warning and barked and howled

at the window and wouldn’t calm down

for five whole minutes. i think it’s because

i walked in on him earlier in the evening

eating a fun sized bag of skittles

and didn’t make it in time to stop him

from now on, all the halloween candy

is going into a locked cabinet