Everyone knows weddings wreak havoc on mental health down at the psych hospital

The crisis specialist tells me my regular therapist will be back very soon and I should try to wait for our appointment. I mention I’m just a little stressed about my wedding and she says oh…well then, you should come right in.

Same thing with the suicide hotline. It’s like there’s a red button with the word wedding on it and when you push it 3 doctors get ready to run up with a straight jacket.

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Ok, so we come from slightly different backgrounds

“I wanted to elope. I’m doing this for you, goddamnit.”

“Well I’m sorry that my family…really loves me alot and would probably love to see me get married.”

*intense stare*

*blush*

“Did you really just say that?”

*nervous laughter on both our parts*

“Yeah. Should I be sorry?”

“Well, it was a little insensitive. But its nice you want to give them a wedding. Ok, I’ll book the venue. You send out the invitations.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel horrible. If it’s really important to you, we can elope.”

*mumbling*

“What?”

“Ahem. I said ‘Nah. We’ll get through this.'”

Is the crisis over?

is the crisis over?
some of my neighbors are still homeless
but that isnt my fault thank god
because my landlady wanted a woman
and i was the only one in the building
i can still send them resources
and drop off things and it helps me
i think the crisis is almost over
and that we will all get placed
but i still cant sleep

i can afford to eat without worrying
about what ill do tomorrow
the funds havent come in
but i have toilet paper
where before, i didnt

i dont have to depend on charity
although i worry about being indebted
about baking cookies, what a trial that will be
when my heart is still beating too wildly
my friends have started to talk about other things
two of them have found love and i have many phone calls owed

my therapist said that all the generosity
doesnt detract from the wounds thatll start festering
if i dont address them-ill address the fire with wellbutrin
ill miss my sweet little apartment
with my books, my clothes, my grandmother’s paintings
but mostly ill miss the window with my writing desk
and i cant help but think of the men
when i was in there with a firefighter trying to salvage anything
who barged in, knocked what was left of my little desk over
and broke my window more than it was already broken
they didnt acknowledge me. and there is this shame
involved with having been needy and having been destroyed
in an instant makes me feel weak and i cant help but think
that cancer will be the next big thing…and i cant stop thinking

Alphabet of Scars

Acne, Abandonment issues, Alcoholism (cured/dormant), Avoidance symptoms, Anxiety, Agoraphobia (intermittent)

Bulimia (cured/dormant)

“Cunt,” Cigarette burns

“Dyke,” Delusions, the need to be prescribed Demerol for gynecological exams, Dysfunctional coping mechanisms, Depression

Eggs (all rotten…?)

Flight/Fight/Freeze response, Fetishism, “Fearfulness” (symptoms of)

Gynecologist (fear of)

Hindsight (not at all 20/20)

Infidelity, Infertility, Insecurity

J_ _ _ _  (a name)

Knees (completely scarred over)

Love (fear of)

Motor vehicle accident, Men (fear of)

Nausea (related to stress), Nightmares

Operation

Pregnancy (fear of), Panic attacks, Paranoia, Psoriasis (related to stress)

Qualms (frequent and unfounded)

Rape

Sexual dysfunction (cured/dormant), Sobriety (mandated), Shingles (related to stress), Stress (unfounded)

Trauma, Triggered (to a life limiting extent)

Uncontrollable fits of rage

Vacant expression

Wrist, “Whore”

Xerox machine (violence against)

Yellowed fingers, Years left unspoken about

Zealotry, Zoning out (as a coping mechanism)

 

 

You’re not here

it started when all three of us were asleep

you left because my dog started growling

at something we couldn’t see and i rose up

out of bed and stood by the kitchen screaming

 

you were mad at me. and you’ve come to see

when something catches my spine and twists

the cord away to gaze out the window

for hours on end instead of participating

that’s when you have come to leave.

 

someone says, “You are worth it

to stand up straighter than your posture.”

it’s someone who doesn’t know me

and my history with scoliosis.

you know it, but you don’t counter

her  words of encouragement.

you know it, but you leave

when i am at my most

hunched over

Stress Begets Stress

Because I was stressed out about my classes

I stopped getting my period

which made me quite stressed

Now the doctor is holding my legs down

telling me to relax

and because I can’t relax

and I feel like I’m being attacked

I become very stressed. She says,

“Miss Park, you are not pregnant.

Are you worried about

getting your period?”

“Yes.”

“Well, try not to worry about that.

It’ll only make you more sick.

Now scoot all the way down

and put your feet in these stirrups,

yes, that’s it.”

My boyfriend holds my hand

and helps me do breathing excercises

and it helps, alot,

until I start yelling.

“Don’t touch me, don’t touch me!”

I shriek. I can’t help it.