I was a Teenage Telemarketer (Fuck you, Karen)

Sixteen, freshly dropped out of high school

And working full time without the responsibility

Of paying rent to my friends’

And my unofficial foster parents

I was so excited to have 50 whole dollars to spend

On the birthday of my very own private best friend

I was the only one invited to the party

My friend/foster brother drove me out of town

To where the country girl version of me

Would describe as a shopping mecca

And where I found a retro toy shop

Which I was immature enough to find astounding

I thought, wouldn’t it be fun

If I got her a gift bag

Filled with tops, old games, homages to the old days

Before we were born?

And you know what she said to me?

“Wow. So, instead of buying me one nice gift

You got me alot of small crappy things.”

I’m thirty-one now and wondering

Why I didnt stop talking to her then

Or a few weeks later when

She complained about her parents

Buying a better car for her sister’s

Sixteenth birthday party

Than the one they bought her

I was homeless and abandoned

I wouldn’t be able to get my own driver’s license

Until I was twenty-six

And still, I kept my mouth shut

I listened

But by my thirty-first

I was done with her shit

You want me to confide in you

About what my mother did?

Fine. But first thank yours

For paying your way through college

You ungrateful, stuck up bitch


This is the Year

This is the year

Come to think of it

When I woke up inside

A burning building

Lost my home

and all of my possessions

Then almost lost the love of my life

On Christmas

When I drove him to the ER

For appendicitis

This is the year I lost my mother

My aunt, and my best friend

To narcissism

This is the year my father

Lost my trust in him

And honestly

This year has been

One of my happiest

Got my lover, got my dog

enrolled in canine school

So he can ease the pain

Of hospice patients

Got my lover to agree

To fostering children

We got a plan to work with

Wisdom About Marriage

“After you get married, your spouse becomes your family and your family becomes your relatives.”

Out of all the things I’m excited about, I’m looking forward the most to this.

“You shouldn’t think of your friend getting married as you losing a best friend, you should think of it as gaining a new best friend.”

It’s sad that Karen didn’t get this. But in the end, she didn’t, and that’s that.

And speaking of losing a friend because she couldn’t even handle the wedding announcement:

“When one door closes, three more open.”

Ok, so we come from slightly different backgrounds

“I wanted to elope. I’m doing this for you, goddamnit.”

“Well I’m sorry that my family…really loves me alot and would probably love to see me get married.”

*intense stare*


“Did you really just say that?”

*nervous laughter on both our parts*

“Yeah. Should I be sorry?”

“Well, it was a little insensitive. But its nice you want to give them a wedding. Ok, I’ll book the venue. You send out the invitations.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel horrible. If it’s really important to you, we can elope.”



“Ahem. I said ‘Nah. We’ll get through this.'”

Normal Conversations

Hey, so we’re getting married in April and while I’d love to see you dance at our wedding, we totally understand that you probably won’t be able to attend.

Yeah, I’d love that too…but you know, it is a bit too far from France.

I get it!

However, I may be coming home for Christmas, so we can totally hang out then!

That’s great! Also, thank you for not asking me to move the whole date of our wedding. Because the whole point of this is that I’m forsaking everyone else and you know, marrying him. It’s not like I’m marrying any of the guests.

Totally. Who does that? Wait…did someone ask you to change the date of the wedding?

Yup. By 6 months. Not because they lived out of the country, but because it was kind of inconvenient for them. So now I’m excommunicated from another branch of the family. The shitter of it is, this is a woman who regularly takes 6 hour flights to do laundry for her adult kids and take care of their pets while they’re on vacation.

That’s rubbish!

Oh God, I really miss our normal conversations.

Why Weddings Ruin Toxic Friendships

There have always been two groups of people:

Those who are genuinely happy for you and those who aren’t.

For ancient reasons, weddings magnify ill intentions, cracks in relationships and bring old resentments up.

It’s a well documented phenomenon and a part of growing up.

It also magnifies positive traits in others and builds trust.

It’s not just my husband I’m committing to. It’s a lifetime of happiness.

I’m not talking about bridezilla stuff. I’m talking about people who change the subject whenever the wedding comes up. The same ones who act hurt when they weren’t told any of the minuscule details of the event that shouldn’t matter more than our happiness on the day of.

This is just a celebration of our marriage to mark the beginning of more important days to come.

I’m choosing a good man to grow old with. Why would I want anything less from my friends? I’m growing up. I choose goodness.