Everyone knows weddings wreak havoc on mental health down at the psych hospital

The crisis specialist tells me my regular therapist will be back very soon and I should try to wait for our appointment. I mention I’m just a little stressed about my wedding and she says oh…well then, you should come right in.

Same thing with the suicide hotline. It’s like there’s a red button with the word wedding on it and when you push it 3 doctors get ready to run up with a straight jacket.

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All That Therapy for Such a Delicate Connection

He is not sweet or silken

he does not open for me

he is a hard and spiky

insistence

when he pushes me

against the wall

even if i learned how

to push back now

and enjoy it

 

there must be a god

because it cant have been an accident

that i turned away

from the wild, delicious world

of lesbianism

my last link to men

is purely primal

so much so

that ill beg for it

like the filthy slut

i am

 

how many alternate

lives can i live

while driving on the highway

home to him?

if not for my pulsing

needy affections

i would be living out

by that all women college

town in the country

 

I would have three cats

and a wife and soon enough

she’d be pregnant

with our child

and we would sing

folk music at the bars

and we would spend hours

suckling up, oiling down

and having so much fun

 

that i wouldn’t need

to ever see a man again

unless we were granted a son

and i would never have spent

all this time, money, and alcohol

on therapy trying to get along

in this world i was fused with

only by the groin-it seems like

such a delicate connection

that i can’t help but want to destroy it

 

Gail, her name would be

I’ve already decided

if we’re going to do this

we might as well be dyke-y

and I’d just go by Lee

but God help me

I keep on driving

and anyways, it’s true

i do kinda like him

 

 

Accompaniment

My boyfriend says “Don’t watch scary movies.”

My therapist says “Avoid anything that might be triggering, including but not limited to scary movies.”

My friends say “What kind of popcorn are we talking about here?” before they agree to watch a triple X/R Rated/Snuff film with me

My boyfriend calls me “Hey where are you?”

I answer “I’m under the bed.”

My boyfriend “Why, what happened?”

Me “I don’t know, I kinda thought a scary movie

would make me feel less anxious, but it didn’t.

In fact, it did the opposite of that.”

My boyfriend “All right, well, I gotta go. I’ll see you Monday though, ok?”

Me “Oh yeah. Yup. I am totally cool with that.”

My boyfriend hangs up.

Me “Yup. Really cool. 100%”

My Dog “Where’s my walk?”

Me “Just go in the bathtub. I’ll clean it up.”

My dog “No! That’s gross. I want to go outside.”

Me “Ugh. Ok, hold on.”

I get his leash, my suit of armor, and a gun.

Another Promissory Note

I can promise, as a friend,

to never continue talking

no matter the subject

if you admit

that what I’m saying is

distressing, and I will never

accuse you of being

too sensitive, irrational

or discount your feelings

on any basis

or deny that they exist

in the midst of any argument

no matter how stupid it is

Eureka

“When I’m feeling triggered, I tend to over-drink.”

“So, what triggers you, exactly?”

“Oh, straight men. I don’t like it when they hit on me.”

“So, can you give me an example?”

“Oh, I don’t know.  it’s like, I used to be a waitress,

and men used to hit on me, and I thought it was disgusting,

but I didn’t really care, because there was no chance that was gonna happen.”

“I see.”

“I don’t know if you do. I hate it when they try to get to know me.”

“Mmm-hmm, and why is that?”

“Because I’ve always had bad experiences getting close to men!

I hate it! It feels so dangerous.”

It was so much safer there. I was so much more ok than this for so many years.

i remember the smog in korea
no sunsets no blue no clouds no nothing
and no triggers

the blue was in the slate
of the rocks i was climbing
the waters i was kayaking
the blue was in my eyes
while i taught the children i was teaching
they gazed into them

theres too many guns in america
every time i look around
im terrified
theres too many men
intimidating
theres too many drugs
theres too much of this stuff
its just too much,
its too much,
its too much