Wait a second

Whoever said I have to invite family to my wedding?

Why not, for instance, my poetry teachers instead? And my friends who sent me orchids today? And just my dad?


At my step-grandfather’s funeral

A relative whispered, “you know, we’re the only ones here because he was accused of raping his daughter from a previous marriage.”

I couldnt remember whether I was ever left alone with him as child.

That’s what I thought of first. Then, of the daughter and the wife.

“No, I didn’t know that.”

All I could do after that was stare at my lap and question my choice of attending and wearing black.

That’s how my family is. I wonder what they’ll whisper at my wedding. Something true and equally horrifying?

She used to cut herself and sleep in the closet. She ran away three times. She had several lesbian relationships. If you look hard enough, you can find naked photos online. She spent ten years addicted to drugs and overdosed twice.

The first thing people will wonder is if I should really be wearing white.

Everyone knows weddings wreak havoc on mental health down at the psych hospital

The crisis specialist tells me my regular therapist will be back very soon and I should try to wait for our appointment. I mention I’m just a little stressed about my wedding and she says oh…well then, you should come right in.

Same thing with the suicide hotline. It’s like there’s a red button with the word wedding on it and when you push it 3 doctors get ready to run up with a straight jacket.

Ok, so we come from slightly different backgrounds

“I wanted to elope. I’m doing this for you, goddamnit.”

“Well I’m sorry that my family…really loves me alot and would probably love to see me get married.”

*intense stare*


“Did you really just say that?”

*nervous laughter on both our parts*

“Yeah. Should I be sorry?”

“Well, it was a little insensitive. But its nice you want to give them a wedding. Ok, I’ll book the venue. You send out the invitations.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel horrible. If it’s really important to you, we can elope.”



“Ahem. I said ‘Nah. We’ll get through this.'”

Normal Conversations

Hey, so we’re getting married in April and while I’d love to see you dance at our wedding, we totally understand that you probably won’t be able to attend.

Yeah, I’d love that too…but you know, it is a bit too far from France.

I get it!

However, I may be coming home for Christmas, so we can totally hang out then!

That’s great! Also, thank you for not asking me to move the whole date of our wedding. Because the whole point of this is that I’m forsaking everyone else and you know, marrying him. It’s not like I’m marrying any of the guests.

Totally. Who does that? Wait…did someone ask you to change the date of the wedding?

Yup. By 6 months. Not because they lived out of the country, but because it was kind of inconvenient for them. So now I’m excommunicated from another branch of the family. The shitter of it is, this is a woman who regularly takes 6 hour flights to do laundry for her adult kids and take care of their pets while they’re on vacation.

That’s rubbish!

Oh God, I really miss our normal conversations.

Why Weddings Ruin Toxic Friendships

There have always been two groups of people:

Those who are genuinely happy for you and those who aren’t.

For ancient reasons, weddings magnify ill intentions, cracks in relationships and bring old resentments up.

It’s a well documented phenomenon and a part of growing up.

It also magnifies positive traits in others and builds trust.

It’s not just my husband I’m committing to. It’s a lifetime of happiness.

I’m not talking about bridezilla stuff. I’m talking about people who change the subject whenever the wedding comes up. The same ones who act hurt when they weren’t told any of the minuscule details of the event that shouldn’t matter more than our happiness on the day of.

This is just a celebration of our marriage to mark the beginning of more important days to come.

I’m choosing a good man to grow old with. Why would I want anything less from my friends? I’m growing up. I choose goodness.

This isn’t the event of the year, so you don’t get to cry over it.

Never has anyone been more pissed

Than your narcissistic family and that one problematic childhood friend

When you announce your wedding plans instead of asking their permission

My aunt has excommunicated me

Because the wedding is in April

And she’s out of town that week

I offered to change the month of the reception

But not the year-and she’s still fuming

Let me be clear: I am only having this wedding

For the benefit of my husband

And his family, who have never

( Not once!) excommunicated him

My dress will be simple

the food will be sufficiently sparse

The people who are no longer invited

Can keep their goddamn fuss

It wont be a who’s who

Of who hasn’t spoken to each other in years

There won’t be passive aggressive comments

About what is too flashy or not flashy enough

There’ll just be clean, white linens

And an open bar

For the people who don’t get nasty

When they get drunk

It’s just two people in the wedding party

Being sure and sweet

In their commitment to each other

Because that’s all that this day

Is supposed to mean